I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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