I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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