Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
