News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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