I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
