So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
