My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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