you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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