Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I think your dad took our porno
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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