Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU