one two three fourrrrnication!
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie