I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$