I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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