Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
