I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
