I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.