i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
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I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
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Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.