I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
your address is 607B right?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly