I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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