just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Damn victory sex feels great
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
