I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
