I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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