Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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