is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
