It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
