Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
