Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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