how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
