Your dad touched me again.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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