dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
