Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
