Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
