forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
