so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
