Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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