Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
