i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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