if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
