I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I stole a fireplace last night.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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