So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
