Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
