Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm too high and old for this...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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