I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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