you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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