Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
