we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
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She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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