He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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