if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
