so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
