he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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