I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
