I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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