i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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