Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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