and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
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