I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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