i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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