i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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