Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
