Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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